


but that's why mankind alone among the animals learns to cry

by Dusklight1



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Child Abuse, Depression, Flow of Consciousness, Gen, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 22:25:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10054220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dusklight1/pseuds/Dusklight1
Summary: A study of Harry Potter's life and the choices he didn't have.Inspiration: Choices by Nikki Giovanni





	

if i can't do 

what i want to do

then my job is to not

do what i don't want 

to do

* * *

 

Heroism isn't something Harry is particularly interested in; in fact he hates being a hero hates it hates it. He doesn't like people looking at him because being noticed has always been a terrible thing and now everyone does it, a whole world knows his name when for the first six years of his memory he thought his name was Freak. His job is to be their icon and slay their beasts and defeat their villains and he just wants to be a kid and play quidditch and maybe get a Mastery in DADA because wouldn't _that_ be amazing? Teaching Defence like Remus?

* * *

its not the same thing

but it's the best i can

do 

if i can't have what i want...then

my job is to want

what I've got

and be satisfied

that at least there

is something more

to want

* * *

And he has to go back to the Dursleys because of family and protection and duty except what is the point of that when they've always made sure he knew he wasn't family and he needs protection from them and their definition of _duty_ is him serving like a slave. He nods though and says of course sir because he knows, he knows it could be worse because _crucio_ is worse than a fist right? worse than gnawing hunger pangs that don't abate? worse than harsh words and loneliness? Of course, of course it is, so he'll be... _satisfied_ with what he's got even though he doesn't _really_ want it at all because at least he has Sirius to look forwards to, right? And then a year passes and he'll never have Sirius again so he'll try, he'll try so hard to want what he's got.

* * *

since i can't go

where i need 

to go...then i must...go

where the signs point

though always understanding

parallel movement

isnt lateral

* * *

And he wants to go hide somewhere and he doesn't want to run and fight and learn and discover and decrypt these ridiculous damned clues and why couldn't the old man ever talk to him straight. And the Hallows are looking more and more to be the answer and oh god he doesn't want them to be when that means Master of Death is the the answer too and he just wants to die and immortality is repulsive to him. And he destroys the Horcruxes in the order they were made, though he doesn't know that, even unto the last ones, though he doesn't know what one of those is ( _he's afraid to know_ ) and the other is that damnable snake. And they destroy them and follow the signs he left behind and Harry ignores the one that point to him, they all do, until they can't.

* * *

when i can't express

what i really feel

i practice feeling

what I can express

but none of it is equal

i know

but that's why mankind

alome among the animals

learns to cry

* * *

He knows why they call betrayal a stab in the back because that's what it feels like he feels so so so very hurt and he doesn't think it will stop a sharp stabbing pain he didn't see coming because Dumbledore never told him he didn't have the courage to tell him in person but he has the gall to tell a child to walk alone into the woods and _die._ And this is a bravery he can't stand, this cold thing, having to _choose to die and not fight._ Choosing to die goes against his nature, the behavior ingrained in him since that first Avada Kedavra until now, beaten into him and starved into him and isolated into him from years at the Dursleys. There's a reason the hat said Slytherin and that's because he had to have cunning to survive and ambition to rise up in that awful house and now, now he has to go against his every instinct and walk out there alone and afraid and hurting. And he tells Ron and Hermione the truth, how could he not? when they've been with him so long? And he turns the stone, once, twice, thrice. They're there, his mum and dad and Moony and Padfoot and he's so very scared and he asks what it's like and they tell him it's quicker than falling asleep and Harry Potter the boy-who-learned-not-to-cry, weeps. He doesn't know whether the tears are from joy or from pain and yet he learns to cry.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
